Those 5 Words. So simple, so short, yet so contradictory!
Lately I’ve been hearing and reading a lot about people not dealing well with certain situations in their lives, be it a bad breakup, wanting to be thinner or just because they’re not happy with their circumstances; so much to the point where they actually feel the need to end their lives. Just as someone’s story helped me, I hope my story can help someone else… This is my story about love, hate, depression and how my best friend became my enemy.
Let me start off by saying, it is you, it’s all YOU! And for all the wrong reasons. In my opinion, saying to someone: It’s not you, it’s me, is like saying to someone: I’ve found someone else, and I want to be with that person now…
After a three year relationship suddenly ends because he has found someone else, you begin to ask yourself: If it is me, what’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Is it because I don’t have a supermodel body? Am I not pretty enough? All those questions come to mind especially if you find out you were dumped for someone prettier, thinner and younger than you.
So all the warning signs were there right? He gets a new car, starts visiting his mates new girlfriend far too often, not for his mates new girlfriend but for the friends that come along with her, he joins the gym, lying about his whereabouts or who he was with. These are all common signs of a cheating partner or a partner planning on pursuing something else other than you. I never really got why girls would be so controlling over their boyfriends until I experienced betrayal and disappointment first hand. Dating a compulsive liar is definitely not easy…
When the relationships starts off with a tiny white little lie. When he flirts with the waitress in front of you or when he forgets your birthday two years in a row, you need to know these 3 things:
- He’s an idiot
- RUN FOR THE HILLS
- He’s not a keeper – not to you, not to anyone
One thing I’ve learnt is that being in a toxic and abusive relationship is emotionally and mentally draining. So draining that you may even end up with an anxiety disorder. You often find yourself having to forgive someone over and over. Saying’s like: “I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry, It won’t happen again” it all becomes a song that you know all the lyrics to and it begins to sound like a stuck record. There’s a huge difference between SAYING sorry and BEING sorry – think about it.
To be told by someone who you’ve loved and cared for, for so long, that they were never planning on marrying you (I wished he’d told me this before wasting 3 years of my youth) or that the entire relationship was just an illusion. To be told that you weren’t good enough or that you’re a bad person and that he doesn’t respect you, (the list can go on and on) well that’s enough to send anyone into deep, deep pit of depression. And that’s just what happened.
I went about dealing with the breakup all the wrong ways, I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, isolated myself from everyone, all I wanted to do was stay in bed, cried almost every day for two months and lost all interest in life itself. It is said that the brain recognizes going through a breakup the same as when a drug addict is rehabilitated. So yes – it can get that bad!
Then the real “rock bottom” began. Once I felt like I was past the trauma of a terribly bad breakup, I started to question why I needed to continue this journey on earth. Yes I was alive, but was I even living? The answer to that was no. No I didn’t have any more friends because of the toxic relationship I was in. I was basically held prisoner due to his insecurities. None of my friends could understand why I would choose to stay even after witnessing first-hand what he was doing to me. I started dreading public holidays and weekends as I knew those would be my loneliest times. No I didn’t have a social life anymore. No I wasn’t living, I was purely just surviving… At that point I realized, this is it – this is rock bottom. This is depression.
The loneliness was the worst part of it all for me. So here I am left with no boyfriend, no friends, nothing to do on weekends, stuck in a place where there is nothing to do and no possible chance of making new friends. I honestly believed that my “good years” were going to waste, surely a 20 something year old shouldn’t be sitting at home in her bedroom weekend after weekend spending hours looking at peoples social media accounts and seeing how much fun people were actually having and seeing people LIVING! And all of this because I allowed one person in my life to rob me of all my joy and happiness.To make it worse the same person who was the cause of my loneliness is currently having the time of their life, finally going to the nice places I begged to be taken to but was never as he was vaguely “embarrassed” of the way I looked and living it up with the many friends that he never had to cut loose.
I was now officially and utterly miserable!
Now… once you’ve reached this point you can do one of two things: you can either run from the misery or you can face it head on. At first I did the former. I spent as much time at the office so I would have less time to be alone where my negative thoughts would consume me. I went out partying the first weekend fresh out of the relationship and I could have easily jumped into another relationship. These were all the wrong ways in dealing with what I was going through as none of it really fixes the wrong that has been done onto you. I then thought you know what, maybe it’s okay to not be okay? Maybe It’s important that you feel the emotions, you feel the hurt and the sadness, reflect on it, cry and acknowledge what you are feeling.
It’s also important that you start doing something which you are truly passionate about. I know this sounds completely cliché but seriously, if you do not find something to channel your energy and emotions into you will not be able to climb out of this pit of darkness. This really does help with the healing process. Something I was passionate about was exactly this, my blog. I procrastinated for months and I felt so despondent as my partner always pushed down all my ideas, goals and ambitions. Who would have thought it would take something as extreme as a breakup for me to start writing.
Of course it’s very easy to remain hurt, angry and sad and most of us feel this way by choice. Remember that being angry with someone is like swallowing poison and expecting that person to die. Let go of it, FORGIVE! Because you know what, 9 times out of 10 if your partner treated you poorly, chances are high that they will treat the next one the same way – perhaps even worse! Reason for this: people simply do not change! And remember – if he could do it to you, he can do it to his next victim girlfriend too.
Even through this very dark chapter of my life I’ve also learnt a few valuable lessons:
- Do not trust easily
- When all else fails – pray – God really is good!
- Don’t ever date a chameleon. i.e. Someone who changes who they are to suit the company they’re surrounded by
- Have some alone time so that you do not become co-dependent. Go on that girls/boys night – don’t be held prisoner
- Don’t lower your standards – EVER
- Know your worth – You’re worth so much more than a dirty slob who drinks and smokes pot everyday
- If your partner cannot as much as talk about marriage, there’s no commitment
- Not having everything in common is really not as bad as it seems
- Don’t allow your partner to make you do everything their mom does for them, this is typically the case with “mommy’s boys” – men can also cook, clean and do the laundry, it’s not a disease!
- The ”butterflies” eventually do go away, not because it’s not working anymore, but because you’ve become comfortable with each other
- Someone else should never be responsible for your OWN happiness
- Don’t allow someone to keep you around long enough until they’ve found a replacement
- Trust your instinct, if something/someone seems too good to be true, then it probably is
- Once they’ve realized they’ve made a mistake, they might even call you up every so often. DO NOT answer their calls. Their intentions for calling are all wrong and you’ll end up being more hurt.
- And lastly, if your partner secretly spends all their free time on Tinder looking for “friends” or hides the contacts on their phone, just know that you’ve got a cheater on your hands. There’s no sugar-coating it. It is what it is.
Remember, depression is a real thing. Don’t confuse it for just having a few bad days. Allow intervention from family, friends and even work colleagues. Surely the most annoying thing you’re ever going to hear is: “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here” … and many times just understand that people don’t always get the fact that talking about problems does not solve anything. There is always help in many different forms (employee wellness programs, counselors, psychologists, therapists, yoga, meditation etc.) Some people just cannot deal with such emotional trauma no matter how big or small the problem in their lives may be. At this point you may even start telling yourself: “What was I even thinking? How could I allow myself to be treated so badly? He wasn’t even that great!”
To conclude this chapter of my life: I don’t think I’m quite ready to start singing at the top of my voice: What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I’m still trying to figure out how I could possibly date anyone else ever again! I am however still going to have my bad days, but I’m also going to have really good days too. I guess today I could just be grateful that I am free of a disparaging relationship, I am free of friendships that don’t add any value to my life and I am finally free to be happy!
I’m a firm believer in: “everything is just the way it should be”. This moment, right now is the way it’s meant to be. Stop questioning why and how. Once we can accept that and embrace it, we’re already content with our lives. Someone said to me recently: “No man is going to get you down! One day you’ll invite me to attend your wedding and we will look back and laugh”. As much as we might joke about it now, it’s actually so true! Unless I’m 40 and still not married… well then I guess a follow up blog post will be in order 🙂